What I change in draft 2

In my second draft, I change my thesis statement that was suggest by Ms.Guarino. Then I changed the part where my group members think is confus or not smooth. Such as in the forth paragraph (third body paragraph) There is a part where the sentence is right, but just sound awkward. However, thanks to my group member, now that sentence become smooth and no grammar error. They also give me some ideas about what can I add in each paragraph in order to make my body paragraph become more stronger. Last but not least, I check my writing again to make sure there are not any grammar error.

In my third draft, I would like to get more feedback from my classmate or my writing teacher. I think my body is not strong enough, so people won't agree with my possition. Also I think my conclusion is kind of short and weak, so I hope someone else could help me with giving some idea about how should I change it. Those are probably the main point that I am going to focus on when I do my third draft.